Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
