If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
