so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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