you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize