I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
