Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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