when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
