I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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