Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
