she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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