I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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