I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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