I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
