I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
