Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
