The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
