Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
