I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
