Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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