Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
In America we eat man semen.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
