Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
only if we run a train.
done.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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