I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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