i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
