new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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