She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
