I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
