peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
