so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Too much gin, very little bucket
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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