i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize