the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
