all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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