Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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