Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
