either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
