It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I could fuck to npr.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
