I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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