You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Even my vagina gasped.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
