I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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