You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
