You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
