I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think i have herpe
just one?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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