Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
false alarm, still single
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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