life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize