i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
