too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He passed out mid-signature
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
