Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i drank out of a bidet.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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