I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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