i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
