not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
