if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
organizing the empties. That sober.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
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