I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
