totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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