the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
where are my eyebrows?
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