I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
