i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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