i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
two words: eviction party
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
