Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the condom got lost in my hair
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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