I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
