Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
