Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
