I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
